What I Learned About Dating From "Bring Your Child to Work Day"

Yesterday was "Bring Your Child to Work Day."

I love children but I'm not always around them. And when I am it's usually family or the handful of friends who have very young babies so it was interesting to watch coworkers interact with their older children. What was most interesting was to see that my coworkers were their natural, authentic-selves around their kids. Sure they acted a bit differently (which of course makes sense), but the big parts of their personalities stayed present.

This might sound obvious but it was maybe the first time I've spent a whole day with adults (non-family) I knew pretty well and their children in a long time. I got to see a little how they disciplined, what values they were instilling in their kids, how they treated their children as young people, and how they encouraged their children to interact with others.  

My coworkers who are calm, cool, and collected at work are calm, cool, and collected around their children. My coworkers who are sometimes silly at work can be silly with their children. My coworkers who are over-the-top at times, well, you see what I mean.  

This makes perfect sense though... Even if we try to conceal our personalities who we really are at our core will come through at least at certain moments eventually. And this isn't bad; it's a good thing to be yourself in every area of your life, hiding parts of yourself isn't worth the energy in my book. Sure there's a time and a place for everything and you should have some tact (aka maybe don't wear the same dress you'd wear to a pool party in Las Vegas to your work holiday party) but be yourself.

Why does this matter and what did it teach me about dating? Well, first to be more accurate, it validated the approach I like to take to dating. 

I date with purpose. I've posted a little about this before (read more here).

I would like to get married one day and I would love to be a mother. While I enjoy getting to know people, this is the end goal of dating for me. With that in mind, perhaps the most important things I look for in men are the qualities I associate with being a good father (e.g., patience, humor, being responsible, having ambition, being a good listener and teacher, having a big heart, etc.) In fact, I only exclusively date men who I think will be good fathers.

And why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't all of us? (And this goes for both sexes) If all of the personality traits of a person come out around children then you should want the best qualities possible in the person you parent with.

Yesterday at my office validated that someone's qualities as a person will and do translate to parenthood. People aren't just one way at work, or socially, or with their parents, or with their children; even if they compartmentalize themselves, the big parts still come out. So if James is cute and fun to be around but immature with no interest in growing up, or drastically lacks direction, or doesn't take your feelings into consideration, or is downright mean sometimes, why would you want to spend time with him? But also why would you want to be even one day closer to getting serious with someone like this if it could ever lead to more?

As a 27 year old woman it's often taboo to outwardly say that I look for qualities of a good father in a potential boyfriend but it's the truth and in my opinion, it's the smartest way to play it if you see yourself wanting children down the road.

While people can and do change, they don't magically lose a majority of who they are. So be choosey about who you share your heart and spend your time with.

Some of the effects of children in the office. Yup, that's silly putty.

4 things I've learned from reality television

I watch a fair amount of reality television. Yup, some is terrible but a lot is just downright entertaining. Also in some way I feel as if I am actually "getting to know" real people and getting overly invested in the lives of a real character's drama seems better than getting overly invested in Jess and Nick's break up on New Girl.

On top of this I believe that there truly are some interesting and all too relevant things we can glean from these shows.

Like what?

1. Our environments become our realities. We're all living in our "own" worlds, but it's a important to remember that this isn't actually the whole world. It's easy to get caught up in the dramatics and nuances of your life, and while we define our own priorities which are all important, we are not the end all and be all. Keep perspective, keep your cool.

2. Listen to your gut. Just as we've learned from one of the greatest endeavors MTV has ever done (yes, I'm talking about the dating show Are You The One), often times your gut instinct is right on. Consider Kayla and Wes, yes she was arguably the worst person on the whole show and was all too desperate for any attention, things would have been easier for all of us and little Kayla if she had just stuck to her gut and matched up with Wes early on. Bottom line you have instincts for a reason, consider what your gut is telling you. 

3. Put yourself out there. You'll never know unless you try. Sometimes things don't work out, sometimes they blow up in your face, but sometimes they work out swimmingly. The only way you'll know if you'll be successful at something is if you try. Be vulnerable enough to give it a shot and take a real go.

4.  Operate with passion. Someone I know down here in Atlanta is on a cooking competition on Food Network (validating that I won't be the only person watching reality television this spring!) 

One of the contestant was let go because she didn't have enough passion. When this decision was made the chef nailed it by saying that he can teach technique but he can't teach passion. If that doesn't sum up the importance of being passionate then I don't know what does.

So dabble in reality TV. At the very best you'll notice some of these little life lessons and at the very least you'll get a laugh. 

What I like to do when I’m not in the best of moods

I do something kind for someone else.

Really.

Sure it’s nice to pamper or primp or have a pity party or some “me” time (I do love me some me time!) but when I’m feeling just down and sort of low for no real reason I find that showing sincere kindness to someone else is usually the best fix.

I’ll offer a *sincere* compliment to someone. Maybe a coworker’s work has been especially on point recently or maybe the new pair of pumps she just scored at Nordstrom Rack are to die for. I’ll be sure to let her know. 

Maybe I’ll write a card or send a nice email to someone I haven’t talked with in a while. We don’t stop enough and tell people we care so it’s nice to do so every now and then.

Giving really is the best gift for yourself. Giving positive feedback out of the blue or reconnecting with someone by a simple email, card, or even a Facebook post can really add pleasantry to their day, and in turn to yours. Energy is contagious, you’ll vibe off their spirit and happiness, and soon your sour mood will be a distant memory! 

Timing really is everything

The other day I wrote about giving constructive feedback to a vendor (read about that here). There was a specific vendor relationship I was thinking about when I posted that. I remember that at the time that issue was going on I had mentioned to a coworker who also worked with this group that I was going to do this. The afternoon the day of when I planned to do so I remember he asked me how the conversation went. I told him that I decided to wait to have it another time. I explained that when I was speaking with our account manager she seemed frazzled and I suspected that the feedback might not be fully heard and therefore would be less productive for me, her, and the whole team. I told my coworker I had decided to wait even if it meant the feedback would be delivered later that day or the next or the next week.

I remember my coworker nodding then mentioning an article he had read about common mistakes people make early on in their career. One was misjudging the situation and delivering feedback or simply sending an email or asking a question too quickly or at the wrong time. He said he was still guilty of this at times and often finds himself sending an email just to get it out rather than taking a moment to think about whether his audience is in the right mental state to receive it.

I think this is common. Oftentimes people simply kick the ball back over the fence just to keep it moving. Sure, at times you do just need to get something out if it’s urgent but often it's important and helpful to take five and wait.

I'm guilty of it too, I just try to be aware of it and manage it. What do I do? Well I walk through a few key things:

1.       I try to think about what I need out of the communication or conversation.

2.      Then I consider if the one person or the group will be able to give me input best via email, a quick call or meeting, or maybe a quick face-to-face chat.

3.      Once I decide the best method of communicate I consider timing since as they say, timing really is everything. For instance sending an email at 4:40pm on a Friday is something I rarely do. For me I'm much more likely to get a response if I hold off and wait until9:45am the following Monday.

4.      If I have insight to a person's calendar be it her travel schedule, meeting or workload for the day, and even things like whether or not she likes to work through lunch or tends to go to the gym or run errands I will hold off on communications until I know she's in the best mindset possible.

Simple stuff but in my experience it all makes a big difference!

delivering constructive feedback to a vendor

Recently I had to deliver some constructive feedback to a vendor. I'm a big fan of feedback. I've written about it before (read more here and here) and try to practice what I preach but delivering constructive feedback is often a challenging situation and can make you feel uncomfortable. And despite the fact that I am paying a vendor money I sometimes feel more, or at least a different type of awkward delivering constructive comments to one. I wonder if I could have been more upfront, clear, or directive from the get go. 

While it's normal to get a bit nervous before delivering feedback (if you're not slightly uncomfortable then you could probably refine your approach and gain a bit of tact!) there are ways to ease the pain. 

Here are some of my strategies on delivering feedback to a vendor:

Plan ahead. Can't emphasize this enough. This is not a conversation you wing. Since conversations with vendors are often over the phone I like to have notes and I keep them right in front of me. My notes often include examples of when issues have occurred and my thoughts on ways we could have changed the approach for a more favorable outcome. 

Give examples. Concrete examples are really important. Have at least two for any issue raised. Think through the situations you plan to bring up so that you have as good and fair of recall as possible.

Have specific ideas for the improvements that you want to see. Being on the receiving end of the comment "things need to change" or "things need to improve" but not even a hint of direction of how is confusing, frustrating, and can set you up for failure. Avoid this by having some ideas of what you can do. 

If there's something you plan to or need to do better bring it up! Like any relationship this is a two way street and unless you’ve simply hired the worst person around (in which case maybe you may consider assessing you own judgment...) there are likely ways you can improve. Be upfront and honest about it. This will help move to you where you want to go plus will likely tell the vendor that you’re both serious but willing to work hard yourself. 

Have a plan for measurements/tracking. Just like not offering some thoughts on ways to improve can set you up for failure, not having a plan for measurement can do the same. Having an idea of what success looks like is important. If that's too broad even just an idea of when you'll check back in. Set these upfront so that everyone is on the same page. 

While I’m all about being transparent I also like to have "private" stage-gates in mind, points of time say 2 weeks or 4 weeks out where I check-in with myself to see if there's been improvement. Putting a note on your Outlook calendar a few weeks in advance to remember is often helpful. 

Come with an open mind. Properly preparing for difficult conversations certainly helps make them be less difficult. But it's also important to enter them with an open mind. You never know what's going to come out of another person's mouth so it's important to be open and flexible.

Good feedback is a critical part of a good relationship and will help yield good results! 

professional "thank you" etiquette

There are many ways to thank someone both on the job and in your personal life that do the trick though there is one that I really dislike. This is when someone says “Thanks in advance!” 

I understand and appreciate the sentiment -- you’re thanking me now to be sure the task doesn’t go without thanks and so that I feel appreciated -- but when someone says this to me no matter who this person is, how many exclamation marks, or smiley faces he or she throws in I tend to roll my eyes, feel a little talked down to, and perhaps worst, part of me might not want to help him or her and may even complete the request more slowly.


Sure, I’m probably being a little dramatic or oversensitive here (me dramatic or oversensitive?!) but I think there are other better ways to thank people. I don’t mean over-the-top declarations. Those are fun but not for everyday use. I’m talking about simple email closings and things of that nature. But what’s my big hang up with thanking in advance? Keep reading…


Why thanking someone in advance is a bad approach

The work you get back might be subpar. What if the work is wrong? Or sloppy? Or it gets delivered late? 

Asking too big a request? Again I might simply be oversensitive here but when a simple “Thanks” will do “Thanks in advance” becomes so over-the-top that I wonder if this person is pulling a fast one on me.

The ole passive aggressor. This might just be me but this phrase feels so passive aggressive. If that’s your goal then go for it! But if not you might consider a different approach.

Can shut conversation down. Perhaps worse and maybe most likely, it can come across as if this request is a pure directive and in no way open for discussion be it to offer an adjustment, or simply ask a clarifying questions. “Thanks in advance” can make a request feel very one-sided which is simply not conducive to the best kind of work and results.


So how do you sincerely show appreciation upfront during a request? Here are some of my favorite alternate approaches…

Ways to thank people professionally

Thanks for your help! It’s sincere and acknowledges that the recipient is helping you but not casting them beneath you.

Thanks so much! Again sincere and this time acknowledges that the recipient is doing much to help you.

Thanks! My favorite (though “Thanks so much!” frequents my emails a great deal). Short and sweet and gets the job done.


Again, I realize this might be making a mountain out of a molehill. And overall it might be better to say “Thanks in advance” than nothing at all. But like it or not your chosen words, your actions, and your style or how you deliver your message can be just as important as the actual message.


So think before you thank and hit send.


Thanks so much for reading!!

well hello 27

Birthday cake my advertising class group (team 7!) made for me my fourth year of college

Today is my twenty-seventh birthday (!!!) 

While I’m not sure if I’ll continue to enjoy birthdays as I get into my thirties and beyond, right now I still really like them. Fact of the matter is birthdays are a perfect excuse to rent party buses, treat yourself to a manicure and pedicure, online shop at Nordstrom all month, and of course get the most expensive Starbucks drink in a venti with an extra shot because it’s free. 

It’s easy to get down or bitter with each passing year. And it’s easy to think about where we “should” be and compare where we actually are with friends, family, and random people who have poor security settings on Facebook and Instagram. I’ve written about my best friend being married and pregnant (which you can read about here) update now is that she’s had her baby (!!!!) and my older brother got engaged two weeks ago (!!!!) 

Yes, a lot of people in my life are having big life events. But I’m having one too. 

The other day while talking with a friend about a dilemma she was in I started to think about myself and I realized that I was just super comfortable -- actually happy -- with where I am in my life. I can’t pinpoint what made me think this but recanting the thought to another friend later I admitted that I used to say that I was comfortable and happy with where I was in the past but often I wasn’t. The fact that I wasn’t in a relationship or sometimes felt stagnated professionally or whatever else was not completely ideal really bothered me. 

So I guess you wake up the week of your twenty-seventh birthday and that all changes? Well, not exactly. Sure there are things I’d change or areas I am still working on improving but that doesn’t happen overnight, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want it to. (Though if somehow the last 8 car payments I need to make could just magically go away I’d be cool with that)

Maybe in a year or five or fifteen I’ll think back on this birthday and wonder how I could have been this content at this moment but if that’s the case then I assume I’ll be somewhere so wonderfully unfathomable since as I greet 27 today I can say that I’m so happy with where I am, excited for where I’m going, and I’m ready for a hell of a year! 


___________________________________

An update to this birthday post that's already about pure happiness and sincere appreciation...

I can say without a hint of exaggeration that I have never felt so much love from so many people at one point in my life. Before I even woke up my phone was buzzing with messages and I teared up (told ya I was a sap) more than once before even getting my Sbux from all the kind words. A smile has never left my face all day and it's barely the afternoon.

I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful friends and family in my life. Antoher testament to how important it is to surround yourself with people who love you and positive energy; kind words and thoughts and good feelings really can mean and change the world.   

an ode to what will be a classic

How I Met Your Mother has been one of my favorite shows for a while. Sure the last two seasons have dragged and last night’s series finale was a solid okay (though personally I like getting loose ends tied up) but I’m a big fan nonetheless. Love the ending or hate it, last night’s  finale got me thinking about the show and the characters overall.  

One thing that’s always annoyed me is that Robin moves to New York City, meets Ted a few months in, then meets Marshall, Lily, and Barney and becomes their best friend basically overnight.

This just doesn’t happen. 

Yes, I realize this is television and therefore not real but I’ve always been bothered by ultra-unrealistic things in movies, TV, novels, etc. When things just seem so impossible that I can’t wrap my head around them they lose creditability to me. 

That’s until I realized that I am Robin.

For those who know my family, no I don’t mean that I am Robin as in my mother (her name is Robin) although the parallels in her life and my own are uncanny. I don’t even mean that I can most relate to Robin’s character (I am way too much of a sap). I mean that just a short bit of time after moving to Atlanta I met some friends who turned into a pretty solid Atlanta friend group for me quite quickly.

For so long I was convinced that this was a fatal flaw within HIMYM. I guess in reality I was just never in a situation that really lent itself to letting me see that friendships can form this fast. Yes, it happened in college but college is a microcosm that can’t be compared to anything else; and it’s happened in some relationships for me but, well, I don’t want to get into that right now. Sure some friendships can be surface or built on a singular, mutual interest that ultimately fades away. And of course friendships can evolve and shift over any period of time. But that’s any relationship no matter how quickly and how they form. The finale shows us this. 

So as a television show about friends living unrealistic lives in NYC (like any sitcom, c’mon!! what are these apartments!?!) about emotional endurance, about the shifts in your twenties and thirties and weathering all of those changes with friends and family comes to a close, I take a moment to reflect on my sometimes unrealistic, but somehow real, life. The friends I’ve made so quickly here in Georgia, also the friends I’ve made quickly and slowly in other parts of the world. I’m happy to have you all in my life.