Improvement in Awareness: Day 7 of An ATL Traffic Experiment

It's been one full week since I decided that I would actively try to be a calmer, more patient driver. No small feat in a city with one of the biggest traffic problems like Atlanta. (Miss this post? Read it here)


I thought this to be an appropriate time to check-in on this little endeavor of mine.


So what have I learned or noticed over the past week? Actually a couple of things:


1. Time moves equally slowly and fast. Okay, that might not actually make sense but what I mean is that racing impatiently to get to and from work really hasn't been getting me to my desk or to me couch or the gym or happy hour that much faster. How do I know? Well I've been leaving my apartment and office at the same time just simply being more at ease driving over the past week and my commute time has not gone up or down drastically. What has changed? My mood upon getting out of my car (this might be placebo, I'll admit) and my self-awareness.


2. Other people are crazy. We all probably think this to some extent and fall into this category ourselves to some extent but consciously trying to reduce my own aggressiveness has really made me more aware of the aggressiveness of others.


Here's an example: yesterday at a spot where a back-up of 5-25 minutes is perfectly normal at 5pm this one car (white Lexus, in case that matters to anyone) flew past about 60 cars (nope, not exaggerating) on the right shoulder then cut through three lanes. First of all this is really dangerous, for this person and for everyone else on the road. But additionally and more to the point of this experiment: why? Considering my experience over the past week I wonder if that move really got this driver to his or her end destination all that much quicker....


3. Awareness builds awareness. I've noticed that my awareness of my patience -- or lack thereof -- in other areas of my life. One area that surprised me, but upon further consideration it makes perfect sense, is riding elevators. I work on the 9th floor of a 10 floor building and little irritates me more than when someone hits the call button on the lobby floor *just* before the doors close only to hit the button for the 1st floor. (Obviously expectant mothers or people just carrying a tremendous amount of just are excused)


This past week I've actively been trying to not be bothered by it, to not roll my eyes, or not look upon these people with distain. And you know what? My ride up to the 9th floor is the same duration of time, when I walk into my office I'm sure the energy I'm exuding is more open and positive, and the other people who work in my office surely must notice the change in my disposition. Okay, maybe not the latter but even if the one person in my building to notice the brighter mood I'm in is myself, that's a win in my book.




So what's the big takeaway here? Well even bigger than the realization that little bursts of aggressive driving seem to have little to no positive impact on my arrival time, the fact that simply being aware of myself has positive implications.


What's an area of your life that might benefit from a little extra attention and focus? Maybe it's being friendly to your coworkers, non-judgmental of other ideas. Whatever it is, try being more self-aware of your desire to improve in this space. What you observe might just surprise you!

9 Maya Angelou quotes to inspire how you live your life

One of the kindest, biggest hearts was lost today when Dr. Maya Angelou, a true renaissance woman, best known for her poetry and her commitment to the Civil Rights Movement, passed away.


Her way with words captured the spectrum of the human experience from our highest highs to our lowest lows and all  of the sometimes confusing feelings and moments in between.


I have selected my favorite ten quotes from Maya Angleou and explained what they have done for, inspired in, or simply helped articulated for me.


I hope you enjoy. And please remember that we are all better people for having lived in a world with Maya Angleou.


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1. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.


This is one of my all time favorite lines in her famous poem, "I've Learned" and really just sums up a hugely important part of a being a good person and leading a successful life for me. I try to live my life everyday in a way that has a positive impact on other people. But here's the catch: it's rarely overt and never in a way that forsakes me. I strive to be a good enough person each day that just being myself is enough to encourage and inspire other.


2. You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.


Attitude is everything. Happiness is a choice. There's a silver lining in every cloud. These all have similar messages but Maya's is more empowering and focuses on the individual: while we can't control or change the bad things that can sometimes happen unexplainably to good people, we can control our response.

3. You are the sum total of everything you've ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot - it's all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive.

Our lives are never-ending, unique masterpieces. Some parts of it awe-inspiring and uplifting so much that we forget we're human; some reduce us to feeling like the lowest, smallest forms of ourselves. Like it or not, everything we experience impacts us so to the extent that you can choose to have as many of the good, uplifting experiences as you can


4. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.


This is an earlier part of "I've Learned" but is worthy of its own mention. Again it's about attitude, and about not being to control everything, but maintaining a positive outlook on it all.


5. I’ve learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."


Another line from "I've Learned." For me it means that just going through the motions of existence doesn't mean a person has a fulfilling life. Having a life means knowing who you are, what you want, growing and changing, it means challenging yourself, loving another or others, and loving yourself.


6. One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.


We have the potential to be great but we have to find the drive and want and courage in ourselves to achieve this.


7. My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.


For me this articulates some of the things we need to push and let ourselves do in order to be complete humans. Really feel emotion: laugh and cry. Find balance: work and love. Love openly: be courageous.


8. Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

This ties a few of her quotes together for me: I hope to be courageous enough, and to be lucky enough to be with someone equally courageous, for this one day.


9. Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.


No matter what, never lose your spirit.

Day 1: An Atlanta Traffic Experiment For Personal Growth

This morning I was heading into the office and had to merge into the entrance ramp to the highway. I wasn't in any particular rush; it was 7:15, I needed to be in for a call at 8:00, and I was about 20 minutes away. But I did need to get onto the ramp so during an opening between cars I popped in. The Porsche SUV behind me clearly took offense to this and while I was still on the entrance ramp and the two lanes had turned to one, this car speed up, and passed me on the entrance ramp with only one lane!


Since I wasn't running late my reaction was an internal shrug of my shoulders. But then not two minutes later I noticed that I had merged over to the left land before the Porsche did and now was effectively "ahead" of the driver. I felt an acute sense of satisfaction from this.


I was alone in my car but I felt myself becoming embarrassed. I realized how irrational it was to participate in this self-created, one-sided "race."  I was getting myself all worked up before I had even had my breakfast; and for the sake of what?


I decided to consciously let it go, and physically slowed myself and watched as the driver sped past me. I arrived to my office at 7:34, well before my meeting giving me enough time to eat my breakfast, clean out my inbox,  prep for a few meetings, and read an article.


But later this morning I thought about this earlier mental dialogue I had. This use of energy and driving impatience (I don't think I have full out road rage but some may disagree)  is unproductive, causes unnecessary stress, and is generally just unattractive. Further, when you boil it down isn't this a dangerous way to release this energy? On top of the inherent dangers of distracted (or impatient or enraged) driving, I live in one of the most notorious cities for heavy traffic.


Clearly thinking about this under a microscope now I began to wonder whether this impatience was a manifestation of some other parts of my life. Since I don't consider myself an angry person really at all this was a little befuddling.


Were irritations, impatience, and flat out aggressions from my life surfacing in my driving? Maybe. Maybe not. But even if my impatient driving wasn't a manifestation of other feelings it's not something that I take particular pride in. And if it is, well, it will likely improve other areas of my life and mood if I change this.


With that I give you an experiment I will embark on: 30 days of [driving with] patience.


I plan to apply it to all facets of my life but will have a laser focus on the time I drive. Since I'm human I doubt I will be able to simply rid myself of all these feelings just by saying I plan to, but I will be conscious of not channeling and welcoming these feelings.


I'll blog about it every so often so to hold myself accountable and to share updates as I hopefully rid myself of some of this impatience.

on being more vulnerable

I spent all last weekend at a 3-day music festival in Atlanta.


I've always admired artists. For their talent (in part driven by my sheer inability to sing) but also in their openness and willingness to be vulnerable.


Artists - musicians, writers, poets - just put it all out there in, well, their art. They share their thoughts, feelings, embarrassments, triumphs, hurts. Yes, money is often part of their drive, but isn't it the dream to get paid to do something you're passionate about?


Artists don't get (or don't seem to get) worried about what their friends or family think, I would guess because large groups of people are going to have a whole host of thoughts and perceptions of them, both good and bad. And even a little self-conscious they still do it.


While I've never been a necessarily "closed off" person I definitely keep certain things to myself and likewise only share certain things with specific people. Being vulnerable is scary but it's essential for human success. Yes, human success which I have decided means to being a happy, successful person, which is something we all define for ourselves.


For me part of my human success includes being a contributing, inspiring member and leader of a professional team. So naturally I need to be vulnerable in some way professionally.... Right?


Recently I read this blog post on HBR about showing vulnerability. In it Michael Simmons references a study done by Arthur Aron, social psychologist and director of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University.


Essentially the study (entire account can found here) examines the difference in the strength and depth of relationships forged when two strangers ask factual and shallow questions (e.g., favorite TV show) as compared to when they ask questions that became gradually deeper (e.g., the last time they cried in front of someone, which family member's death would they be most disturbed by?)


Not surprisingly the results showed that the pairs with the deeper questions forged much stronger, more intimate, and lasting bonds.


So to recap, being vulnerable is important to build strong relationships. But being vulnerable is difficult. Being vulnerable at work I presume is somewhat important based on your work, your company, and who you are. But still what is the appropriate level for the different relationships we have in our lives? There's clearly no one right answer and to even search for one is likely shallow.


Last week I was in a grouchy mood. I don't really know why, I just was. The best I can do to explain it is to say that my equilibrium felt off. I know it was apparent. I can say that with confidence because a coworker actually approached me about it.


This week I was more mindful of it. I did some yoga, cleared my head, found my center. I could feel me usual energy coming back and by yesterday felt like I was my upbeat, energetic self.


I felt like I was back to inspiring my office in part by my energy. But that didn't feel like it was enough.


While I didn't snap or say anything harsh to my inquiring coworker who was simply being thoughtful I felt that it was the right, considerate, vulnerable thing to do to acknowledge that I was in a little mental rut. So I did.


It was a little self-experiment about pushing myself to share something about my inner workings professionally. This might not count as one of the types of things to share to build lasting, intimate connects like Simmons' experiment, but it felt good as my own personal experiment.

Do you let yourself be vulnerable in all your relationships or surroundings? Do you want to do so more? Give it a try! Baby steps count (think about how I  pushed myself outside my comfort zone just by wearing new pants) so find a small way to open yourself up and give it a whirl!

How to Get Outside Your Comfort Zone: What I Learned From Wearing New Pants to Work

In order to grow we must be comfortable with being, well, uncomfortable. Nothing new with that concept I realize, but pushing ourselves outside our comfort zones truly does has a host of benefits and not so many downsides (think the downsides are largely related to challenges that are dangerous like trying an extreme sport without preparation).

I'm personally a huge fan of challenges. It's how we grow and a great way to learn more about ourselves. But aside from moving to a place where you know just about no one (check) or traveling abroad on your own (soon to be check, stay tuned for these plans) it's not always totally clear just how we can push ourselves.

I've wondered what some ways to do this might be. Then a few weeks ago, I realized I was in the middle of doing it. So what was I in the middle of that was pushing me outside my comfort zone? I wore a pair of funky pants to work.

This sounds silly I'm sure but let me explain what exactly I did, what this taught me and how you can apply the concept.

What I did:

I wore a pair of slouchy, trendy pants to my office.

How does this fit the criteria of pushing me outside my comfort zone?

I'm glad you asked. See, these pants were a little different from my normal style. I thought they were great in the store. I thought they were great in the dressing room. I thought they were great in my apartment. I thought they were great in the morning when I put them on. Then as soon as I parked my car at my office I wondered, "Wait, are these pants weird?"

I work at website so the dress is pretty causal. Additionally I spend my time with a lot of technology guys who will admit that they're not the most stylish. Basically I can wear whatever I want to work.

On top of this I'm also a pretty confident person, both in myself and my fashion choices.

But still, this almost sinking feeling of, "Is anyone going to say anything to me, or laugh at m?" crept over me. Being the self-confident person I am, I wasn't proud of it.

But I mentally explored it. And I realized that this was one small way to practice challenging myself. With that in mind, I waltzed into my office in my new pants.

But wait, really, how does this fit as 'pushing' someone outside of her comfort zone?

I did something that was outside of my normal routine. I took a risk. I tried -- in this case I wore -- something new and different. The results don't necessarily matter (though for those who are interested in, I got some compliments) what matters is that I did something new that was a little nerve racking and I survived, and possibly became better from it.

Got it. Sort of. But what actually happened:

Again, I got a few compliments but largely no one noticed. I felt slightly uneasy the first few hours of the day and was aware of how many times I was walking to the bathroom, by the end of the day I forgot I was even wearing something "different."

Okay, got it now. But what's the point?

Want to get better at pushing yourself outside your comfort zone? Try small, seemingly trivial things. Small things still count and trying something like this in a safe space (e.g., with friends or family, or in a relaxed work environment on a Friday with coworkers whose fashion opinions you care little about...) is a good, easy place to start.

Now what?

Challenge yourself. Pick something that you're not super comfortable with, but won't devastate your life if things go wrong, and go for it.

If we don't push ourselves we won't get better and if we don't try something we'll never know how it might turn out!