Life lesson from #1 seed Virginia

"When they have an opportunity they're gonna take it, it's just that they wanna get the best opportunity."

One of the commentators during the UVA vs. Memphis game last night said this. I find that I especially relate to this not just because I went to Virginia but because it's how I like to think I live my life; also it's how I encourage others to live their lives. 

It's important to be open to any and all opportunities but it's equally if not more important to really be looking for the best opportunities.

Like many things I like to write about this is applicable to our personal and professional lives. Professionally it's important to be up for and ready to give your all to good opportunities that may be presented to you but in parallel it's important to keep your eyes peeled for that new, best opportunity. The one that really syncs up with your goals. Often this won't just be handed to you but you often have to seek this out.

In our personal lives it's the same. Do you really want to spend a significant portion of your time with someone who's"okay" all the while wanting and hoping for something better? 

Certainly it's important to keep your head  out of the clouds and to stay grounded but there's nothing wrong with wanting and working for those really stellar opportunities, for the best things.

Shoot for the moon and Wahoowah! 

controlling the pace of conversation

Something that I've been aware of and learning to do recently is control the pace of a conversation. Let me explain...

I have been engaging in certain relationships -- or maybe it's better to say not engaging in certain relationships -- over the course of my time in Atlanta. Yup I'm talking about the good stuff here (aka boyz) so going to keep most details out.  

True to form I've been my historically selective self. I won't go on and on justifying my approach, I'll simply say I have the point of view that one should be purpose-driven when engaging in any relationship that will have significant impact on her or his life regardless of whether that's a friendship, professional relationship, romantic relationship, whatever.

Anyway, with this mindset over the past few months I've had to have many difficult, awkward conversations. These have generally been the kind of conversations when someone is let down or something of that nature; you get the picture.

When I decide that something or someone is right for me, or perhaps more importantly, when someone is not right for me, I like to be upfront. Like many I get nervous to have this sort of conversation, send this sort of text message, send this sort of email, whatever.  I often consult my 10 best friends who all have similar but simultaneously totally different advice which tends to just confuse me. Though in one specific instance one friend gave me a real nugget. She reminded me that in the particular situation at hand (and this applies to many) I didn't really owe all that much. Okay being vague here is not all that helpful so I'll just say it: I wasn't in a relationship so I wasn't actually ending much. Not to be callous or harsh but if I'm not dating someone then I'm not really breaking up with someone so why the dramatics and drawn out concern??

I started to see these various situations a bit more rationally. Sure it's important to be kind, empathetic, and sensitive but I need to be sensitive to my own feelings and keep my own needs in mind. Further, in all of these situations I was only speculating about the other person's feelings. When I thought more about it I was getting way ahead of myself. I was over-planning, over-thinking, and spinning myself out over something that ultimately was small potatoes.

In these situations in general I needed to play it cool. I needed to be smart, sound, and keep control. Not in an aggressive or monopolizing way but I needed keep in mind that I was setting the tone of each "conversation" (in quotes because are texts really conversations??) and that each situation would be as big or as small as I made it.

Was there awkwardness? Yup. Was it all manageable? Yup. Overall have I learned about myself, what I want and need, and ways to improve my communication? Yup, yup, and yup.

Let's apply this to our professional selves now

The pace, cadence, flow -- whatever you want to call it -- of a conversation doesn't just stop with the trials and tribulations of a twenty-something single girl. It has very real relevance to our professional lives and successes.

I think women tend to look to men to do this for us. I will admit that I certainly like to sometimes in romantic situations. I bet many defer to men or our superiors in professional situations. It's easier and can fit within the status quo. But this is not the way to take charge and live our own and best lives.

Recently an issue was raised to me at work. I knew this was a problem, one that could be huge or one that could be easily managed if done correctly. I knew fingers could potentially be pointed, and while none would be in my personal direction I knew it wouldn't be productive. I realized I needed to gather the facts, determine my position and recommendation, lay everything out in a clear, succinct, and helpful way then calmly engage the relevant people and lead a productive conversation resulting in an action to resolve the matter at hand.

I did all this. And it worked.

Yes my ideas and recommendations were very important and my recommendation was what we ultimately ran with but I think my stepping back to assess the situation, my organization and leadership were essential. And above all this I think my calmness was key. My attitude set the tone for all of the conversations and gave cues to my peers and leaders as to how they should react to the situation.

Sure sometimes it's okay and downright appropriate to let someone else control the flow and structure of a conversation, but this is not how it always should be. Learning how to do so is an essential life skill that will enable us to take control of various aspects of our lives more.

On taking the plunge: moving to a new city

Recently I seem to have a lot of friends, family, coworkers who are talking about making geographic moves. Some are professionally or academically driven. Some simply need a change. 

They often reach out to pick my brain given my experience. Each time I generally have the same reaction to them: Do it.

If you're like these dozen or so people in my network who have the desire, means, interest and drive to make a move across the country, across an ocean, to a new area where you might not know anyone, wherever really, my advice (barring any major issue or unique situation) is to do it.

Sure it's complicated, expensive, scary, and risky but life just gets more complicated, scary, and risky. It's also exciting, ballsy, and ultimately will build character.

It can blow up in your face. A job or a city can most certainly go sour. It's happened to me and I've seen it happen to others. But you keep your head up, your eyes and sights on the bigger picture of your larger life goals, and you make the best of it. Any experience will better you, even if that simply so you know what to not look for next time.

A while back when I was considering a move that might be seen by some as risky I remember talking with a good friend who said something wonderful to me; she said, "You can always come back." And it's true. If something doesn't work out you can always course correct, you can try something and someplace different, but you do have to try. 

been there, done that: not saying sorry

I did something this morning that drives me bonkers when I do it. I was walking out of the kitchen in my office and opened a door as someone was walking in. As I passed him I said quietly but still audible, "sorry."

I do this a fair amount and it infuriates me. Why am I apologizing? For being in the way?This is my office too. In fact I've worked at my company longer than he has. Though it's not like he was mad or disrupted or looking for anything really. He basically ignored my words and we went on about our business. Though I worry that overtime apologizing for nothing like this builds up and can eat away at the strong, successful person I am building in myself.

The appropriate expression would have be, "excuse me" or "pardon me" since other than the coincidence that we happened to be using the same doorway at the same time there's nothing to even acknowledge here and there's most certainly nothing to be sorry about. Each time I do this it's like I'm taking away something from myself for absolutely no reason.

An English teacher of mine in grade school hated when anyone did this. She commented on it whenever a student would offer this sort of false apology. I did it a lot and she would get on me for it all the time. I remember one day when she got particular passionate about me saying "sorry" during class which startled me. She pulled me aside afterwards to assure me that she wasn't mad at me or upset with me but that she didn't like to see me undermine myself. She told me that if I kept doing this throughout my life I would be releasing power to others and ultimately selling myself short. Looking back on this moment it was one of the first times in my life when someone told me to realize my own worth. Her message was to be aware of and harness my own strength, to do something with it, and never, ever give away that power.

I couldn't agree with this sentiment more.

Still I continue to do this. I don't know why. I used to think the more appropriate phrases "pardon me" or "excuse me" sounded too formal. But that's silly. And even if it were true wouldn't it be better to be more formal than to use words that undermine you?

This week's been there, done that has perhaps a more negative tone than others since it's something that I do that I find flawed. It's about an ongoing mistake I've been making but one that I'm done with. So perhaps the positioning needs to change. This week I'll think of it as been there, done with that.

What to do on your last day: been there, done that

Today's Been There, Done That will focus on something relevant to all of us at some point in our careers: What to do on your last day at a company.

First, a brief aside: Yes, my intention is to post these on Thursdays. Yes, it's Friday. This week has escaped me a bit.

I had planned much of my last day at my former job. And while there was a lot that I was prepared for, there was a lot that I wasn't prepared for. With that, here are a few things to consider on your last day:

The farewell email
We've all received them: The obligatory email alerting some, reminding others, that this is your last day. The good ones are relatively short, informative, and have a bit of humor. Your personal situation will really dictate what is best to include but generally speaking I recommend including a quick bit about your gratitude for your time at your soon-to-be former company, a little bit about where you're going (why is usually not unnecessary), and whatever methods of communication you want to share. Again, up to you what exactly you include and who receives yours but definitely write one.

Plan things out
I mean this in the general sense. You have 8 hours (likely less) your last, official day. Plan and use this time wisely. For example, send your farewell email out a few hours before you actually depart so you have time to socialize and respond to replies (more on this below). Also your farewell lunch doesn't have to be your last day, in fact you might want to do it on a different day so it can be leisurely.

Send some personal notes to people of note
Did Dan really have an impact on you your first few months or year at your company? Was Julie instrumental in helping connect you with friends in a new city? Send these people a personal quick note. Hand-written cards are really a nice touch but sometimes an email has to do, this is fine.

Be prepared for some chit-chat
Maybe this is a no brainier but I did not expect so many people (really anyone at all) to reply to my farewell email. I mentioned the importance of timing earlier, well I didn't leave my office on my last day until after 5pm. No, I'm not complaining; yes, this was my choice/my own fault. I could have planned this out better.

Another thing this has taught me: I now reply to the goodbye emails of others. Again, this might be obvious but like all of us, I have been on the receiving end of countless of these emails that I wanted to respond to, but never did. Never again.

Bring your makeup bag + deodorant (or whatever)
Being totally serious here. I didn't do this and I really regret it. The afternoon of my last day at my former company got away from me and I stuck around the office much longer than anticipated on a hot July day. It's always good to put your best foot forward and if I'm being honest I would have liked my former coworkers to have had a last memory of me with brushed, non-flat hair, and not totally worn-off make-up.

This might not be totally relevant for you guys but take it as you will.

Be gracious
You're leaving on your own accord hopefully to greener pastures. You're also likely dumping work onto someone else. Be aware of the fact that while you're getting out and moving on, others are not.

In the same breath, you're about to leave... Relax & enjoy
Soak up these last moments of this portion of your career. Be sure to make your usual coffee run with your coworker, participate in the office chit-chat one last time. Even if it hasn't been the best role of experience of your life it's molded and impacted you and you're never going to have this same ever again.

_________________________________

What are your tips or strategies to leave with a bang or at least on a good note?

 

I'm building a team from scratch: what I've learned thus far

Recently I've stood up a culture team for my company. Not going to lie, it's pretty cool, I'm pretty proud of myself, and easily one of the most fulfilling things I've ever worked on, but more on that another time.

I've been learning a ton from this leadership experience. Again, more on that another time. For now it seemed timely to share something that I've come to realize over my years in a corporate setting and this experience has validated: How important sometimes seemingly insignificant things really are.

What do I mean?

Well in the past I've seen some fallout, or at the very least missed opportunities, due to coworkers, leaders, business partners, whatever, assuming that sharing some info or taking some action was trivial, insignificant, or unnecessary. I've seen team leaders not hold regular meetings since they thought it wasn't important. Wrong. I've also seen leaders not offer regular updates because not everything was declared or "figured out" yet. Wrong.

It's easy to think that things are just not all that important, or get bogged down in our day-to-day and not offer regular, meaningful updates. But this creates distance, confusion, and ultimately disinterest and resentment.

So what's gone on in my culture team that has got me thinking about this? Well probably the one thing that I thought was the most insignificant and redundant to explain was the lexicon I was using with the group. I mean the names of the team, sub-teams, things of that nature.

I felt like I was constantly saying the same thing but really each time I would re-articulate something I could see -- or hear over the phone -- the light switches turn in a team-member's brain. It's funny, it really has seemed like these little things end up being the most helpful and important to understand.

So what should you do? When do you do this? And who should do this?

What: Rather than assuming that your team, peers, anyone really already knows something, opt to over-communicate. Sure you don't want to flood inboxes with emails but try offering a quick caveat acknowledging that you *might* be at risk of telling them something they already know.

When: Anytime you think you have information someone else needs. Or when you are concerned that a group not understanding something will impact a project, deadline, etc.

Who: Anyone who has information that is not, but should be, well-known. But how can you tell? I'd think that if this post resonates with you, you probably fall into this camp.

Happy leading, happy communicating, and more to come about what else I'm learning from this experience!

a little bit about my obsession with FNL

I really don't know anyone who is not obsessed with Friday Night Lights. Even people who haven't watched it know that they really should/need to.

Now I was once one of these people. In fact it wasn't until last summer when I was subletting before moving to Atlanta that I watched the series.

It was really an excellent time for me to have watched it. I was in a weird, transitional stage of my life personally and professionally. Some days were really, really strange. Escaping to Dillon, Texas into the melodramatic and complicated lives of the characters was almost therapeutic to me.

So why did I love it so much? What made me connect with the show? 

Well, Matt Saracen's innocence and the connection I felt with him and other characters even through a Mac Book screen for one, as well as any inspirational speech, comment, really even a look from Coach Taylor. And of course Tim Riggins' looks didn't hurt. I found myself wanting to move to Texas not Atlanta and raise little boys who would play football (JK, that's actually a little scary to think about). Even today when I hear any of the soundtrack from Explosions in the Sky I get chills.

I could write you a list of forty reasons why I love FNL and why you should too. But instead I'll share my top moment in the entire series.

When Landry was helping Tyra write her college application essay while driving she tells him about the moment she stopped being so angry and bitter at the world: when Jason Street got paralyzed. When he got paralyzed she realized that bad things happen to good people. Not just her.

Let that sink in. Bad things happen to good people. Bad, sad, unfair things happen in life to us all. Not just to Tyra's character, not just to me, not just to you.

This concept, so obvious, so clear, so direct, really helps keep things in perspective when we can keep it in mind. Key piece there being when we can keep it in mind since I know well and good that this is painfully difficult to do at times.

Yes FNL is a television drama. I'm not denying this. But aren't many of the intense times of our lives just as dramatic? Perhaps the simply feel just as dramatic when we're in the middle of of them. That's okay. But when we are all able to (myself included) to step back and just accept that we're not each simply getting the worst lot in life and that things are just unfair sometimes, we can let go of such much bitterness, regret, resentment, hate even; and things really do get easier.