pay attention to people who you don’t admire as well as those you do

It’s pretty widely believed that we should surround ourselves and engage with people who we admire and generally have wonderful characteristics. They’ll rub off on us, make us elevate our own game, both inspire and challenge us. I love and support this idea, but I am also a big fan of keeping some people close who you don’t admire or aspire to be like.

Sound counterintuitive? Hear (read) me out…

When you observe something about a person that puts you off, maybe it’s constant negativity about a project or a situation in life, maybe it’s constant whining and complaining, maybe it’s the way this person behaves in social settings; don’t begin to exhibit these characteristics but don’t totally cast him or her out of your life. Similar to how we each get better by feedback speaking to both our strengths and areas of opportunity, we can get better by watching people who operate in ways we admire and in ways we don’t.

You might need to filter out some comments or give yourself space at times if someone is rude or mean or catty, but for me it’s important to keep in mind what you don’t want to be just as much as what you do.

Have a bitter, disenchanted, or just negative coworker? Notice her behaviors. Then decide that when you get overwhelmed at your next team meeting or annoyed at a situation or person that you will channel your frustrations differently; articulate your issues or concerns but do so in a positive and action-oriented way rather than just complaining. 

Have a friend who constantly complains via Twitter about insignificant things in her actually very good life? Decide that when you want to tweet something that you think is funny but may also be seen as rude or judgmental approach it from the bright side with a lick of cute humor rather than bitterness and anger. Or just keep your mouth shut. 

A close friend of mine recently finished her student teaching rotations. Her first placement was amazing and she just shined in her role; the teacher, students, school, literally the entire district loved her. I remember talking with her during her second placement, which wasn’t going as well. This girl is going to be the most fabulous teacher, I have all the confidence in the world that when given the chance she was tremendous with the students; but this teacher she was placed with seemed, just, uninspired.

My friend told me that the teacher would show a PowerPoint presentation and direct her students to just copy all the notes verbatim. There wasn’t an active discussion, no one was engaged. What irked me and my friend perhaps the most was that this woman didn’t even introduce my friend on her first day to a good number of her classes.

I remember her telling me that she just couldn’t wait to be done with the rotation because she was obviously was learning nothing from this woman. I stopped her and challenged this statement. She was learning something I told her, but rather than learning about the type of teacher she wanted to be like she was learning about the type of teacher she didn’t want to be like; something equally important.

For the rest of her career even when she was tired or feeling lazy or close to giving up on a class or a student, I’ll bet that she’ll never revert to simply typing notes onto a PowerPoint and telling her students to copy them down, absent of all discussion. She’d never host a student teacher, or probably any guest for that matter personally or professionally, and not introduce this person to her class or other audience.

We can’t control the personalities of the people we work with or are exposed to at times in our lives. But we can control our reactions to, and what we glean from, these people.

Characteristics and skills that you don’t want to harness and possess are just as important to be mindful of as those that you do want. Just be sure you keep them on the right side of your personality!

suggestion I gave to my hungover friend about his weekend work

I've been on a little unplanned hiatus from posting recently. I have been busy but it's January and cold (well, cold for Atlanta) and people tend to do less this time of year so it's really been more about me not being able to articulate any concrete ideas, even just in my head. And since I don't really want to get in a habit of posting just for the sake of posting, enter hiatus.

This seems to be a theme of January for me considering the post I wrote about what to do when feeling unmotivated and about the importance of rest. Basically I've been tired and lazy all month and have been rationalizing it on my blog. I'll call myself out.

Though yesterday I got to thinking that this wasn't such a bad thing. I also got to thinking that my train of thought might actually make a valuable post...

I've said before but I'll choose to be redundant: taking a break can be just what you need

Yesterday while a friend was driving me home from brunch he was telling me/complaining to me about all work he had to do that afternoon. He wasn't feeling well (okay, he was hungover) so he was extra dreading what his Sunday would look like.

I suggested to him that he go home, relax for an hour or so, and then spend a couple of hours working. Reason being he'd be able to clear his head and enjoy part of his Sunday afternoon which would enable him to be more productive once he actually got work done. He told me he had far too much to get done and needed to begin work immediately.

 

Breaks let you think about and use your time differently

I don't understand this sort of thinking. For me it's about being smart about your time; if you're not feeling your best (ill, hungover, simply distracted, whatever) you're not going to work to your full capacity or full potential. Things will take longer.

Say you have 6 hours in your Sunday available for work but you're not feeling your best, chances are you'll get the amount of work done in those 6 hour that "normal you" might accomplish in perhaps 3 or 4. But if you take away one of those hours and allow yourself to relax -- at least for me -- chances are you'll maximize the next 5 hours and get the closer to the amount of work done that "normal me" would get done in 4 or 5 hours. Resulting in equal or more work getting done and having time for yourself.  

 

Sure, there's a risk that you'll get sucked into a House Hunters marathon on HGTV (a very real problem for me yesterday...) but that comes down to a prioritization and a will-power issue.

So rather than posting mindless things or beating myself up and forcing myself to sit on blogger and come up with something, I've given myself the freedom to take a few days and just relax. And look what it resulted in: A fresh, not mindless (???) post!

there is always something more we can learn

I am quite possibly one of the world’s worst spellers. I mean I am terrible. I simply am not able to visualize how letters work together to create sounds and therefore how words are constructed. To this day I can only correctly type the word “restaurant” on a keyboard based on a memorized nuance in my keystroke pace and pattern; if I’m handwriting the word I need to physically stop and think about the rule about the “u” and the “a” placement that I created for a spelling test in the third grade featuring this word. I am in no way exaggerating. 

Since I haven’t taken a spelling test in years coupled with my trusty friend, spell-check, there are some words that I simply never got down: efficiency, entrepreneur, disclosure. Just to name a few. 

Why am I telling you about my terrible spelling ability? To prove the point that we are never too old to stop learning. Yes, I know this is not a very original thought. But I also want to point out a slightly different, perhaps slightly more unique thought, that we are never too old to come up with ingenious, little ways to teach ourselves. 

Last night while doing a bit of work late at night (sigh) I found myself trying and failing at spelling out the word “entrepreneur” four times. I got so fed up with myself that I employed my go-to strategy of finding it written somewhere else (nine times out of ten this “somewhere else” is Google so as you can imagine I have a very interesting search history) then copied and pasted the correct spelling. 

When I copied and pasted the word last night it was in an oversized large font different from what I was using. Rather than simply changing the font style I decided I would type out the correct spelling of the word, very slowly to be sure I was transcribing it correctly. 

It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. If I would simply force myself to re-type the word each time, even if I have to search its proper spelling on Google, the efficiencies and entrepreneurs of the world would eventually stop stumping me. I had found a new little trick to teach myself how to learn their spellings.

Again this is not rocket science, I know. Practice and study pays off. But being out of an academic situation for a number of years now it felt like a novel idea. 

I’ve decided that this would be a new rule I employ in an effort to improve my spelling. It was then that I thought this might make an interesting post since this idea is actually pretty transferrable. Just by stopping and making ourselves repeat and think through something more than we need to we can glean some knowledge, even just small knowledge, which all adds up. 

what to do when feeling unmotivated

I've often been told that others are impressed with my energy. Managers and peers alike have commented on my fast but accurate work-pace. Family and friends comment on my drive and motivation. On most days I like to think that I've earned these complements, but if I'm being honest, there are some times when I just don't want to do anything.

Sometimes we just want to do Nothing

For even the most motivated people (who put me to shame) there are instances -- days on end at times I'll bet -- when we all just want to do Nothing. (note: capital "N" in nothing to show emphasis)

So what should you do when you hit an energy slump? What do I do well I feel like this? Well personally, I've found that I can get back on track sometimes by doing something, literally, just anything.

Motivation builds: get started doing something, anything

I really mean anything. I'll send an email that I've been putting off. Or if I'm feeling really lazy I'll send an email to someone acknowledging that I need to send them a more comprehensive email. I'll write a to-do list. I'll pre-draft outline of a slide. I'll compose a funny (or not so funny) tweet. I'll draft bullet points for a blog post.

I find that just getting start on (you guessed it!) anything helps me de-clutter my mind and just get going.

When deeper motivation is needed

When I need to accomplish more than a tweet or draft of a draft I sometimes make "deals" with myself. What do I mean? Well just like experts suggest that dieters should indulge every once and a while to avoid total deprivation and a late night froyo binge (just for instance) a break can go a long way.

At my last company I was known for my mid-day work outs. Without access to my gym at my new job I've had to adjust. I'll strike a mental deal with myself that I will take a long lunch or skip lunch and go shopping for an hour or so during the middle of the day. But by allowing myself this time during the day I have a laundry list of tasks that I must get done -- no excuses!!! -- once I return to my desk.

The results are in

So does this really work?? Well considering that I spent over an hour at Nordstrom Rack and decided to publish this *short* blog post late this afternoon I'll let you be the judge.

7 Life Lessons from Downton Abbey's Season 4 Premiere

So if you're not living under a rock you know -- and watched -- Downton's season 4 premiered in the US on Sunday night. Well, maybe you've watched the entire season already because you have better access to British programming than me, but no worries, this will still resonate.

I watched the program Monday afternoon while I was home sick so I think it might be important to note that I was somewhat in a delirious state since I was drugged up, exhausted, and simultaneously a bit ansy to be OOTO. See, I guess I was technically working remotely while really ill but I had just gotten a new work laptop Friday and for whatever reason (okay, pretty sure that we determined back in the office yesterday that it was user error) I couldn't access VPN on Monday. Probably a blessing in disguise since I was forced to actually rest and wasn't able to do anything aside from a few things via texts and Gmail.

With this I was free to watch Downton with a clear, though still slightly foggy mind, and in turn extracted 7 ever important life lessons. Since Downton is a sweeping storyline about family, life, love, business, work, class, society, change, and all this other stuff, I think that despite its overly dramatic nature (which is half the fun) the premises of the story lines are really quite applicable to our modern day lives. With that I give you the top 7 life lessons I took from Downton Abbey's Season 4 Premiere.

*OH, quick warning, if you are not an avid Downton Abbey fan, #1 below includes mention of a pretty big spoiler from the end of season three. Just to be fair.  

1. "If you want the best you have to be the best."

Molesley's father tells this to his son when Molesley is really quite down in the dumps. See he's upset about his future professional prospects now that Matthew has passed since he assumed he would just stay with Matthew at the Abbey, rising up through the ranks over time. He is so down and negative that before he even had the chance to mess up his quasi interview (though that wasn't really his fault now was it) for a new position he scoffs at the opportunity.

This is such an important quote and lesson in my book since his father is really telling him to never be too good for any job. Let that sink in for a moment. Never be too good for any job. Sure you can be overqualified, sure you can think that something is below your pay-grade and you might even be right but making that known won't do much for you. Just be the best at whatever opportunity you are presented with then let that opportunity, and your own skills and talents, help take you to what's next.

I think many of us can learn from this. We can't assume that we will each get what we deserve, or perhaps better stated, we think we deserve. We should all probably go ahead and let go of this idea that we deserve anything at all. At the turn of the 20th Century man men were trained to be valets and butlers, probably many better than Molesley (you can probably tell he's not my favorite character), just like many men and women are trained to be marketers, engineers, project and program managers, consultants, and everything else under the sun. We can't think that we are owed something simply because we have that training and have done well enough thus far. We should expect to work for everything we have not just at the very beginning of our careers but throughout them.

Never be too good for an opportunity. If you are you might miss the best opportunity you've ever been given because it’s disguised as something else to start!

2. "You have a good cry. That's what's needed. And then when you're ready we can get to work. Because you are strong enough."

Ahhh, this is perhaps one of the top 5 best pep talks in the world to me: short, sweet, direct, full of love. This is of course Mr. Carson giving these kind words to Lady Mary. I got one of these a few months back in a rather strange place (thanks BLW!) Sometimes we just need to show our vulneribilities, get really, really upset in front of someone then have him or her remind us -- maybe at times even tell us -- how strong we are.

3. "There can be too much truth in any relationship."

This is something I went back and forth on including since I am not totally sure I agree with it. But  I simply couldn't have a list of Downton Abbey quotes and not include one from Violet Crawley, The Dowager Countess of Grantham. She mentioned this to Cousin Isobel and I think she hits on something here. I won't be an advoate of not telling the truth, I'm perhaps one of the worst liars you'll ever meet, but I think there's something to knowing when your audience needs or wants or should hear something and when your audience shouldn't. And when your audience shouldn't you should really stay quiet.

4. "We must all have our hearts broken once or twice before we're done."

Say it isn't so Mrs. Hughes, say it isn't so!! From time to time I find myself wondering what it would be like to be one of those women who meets her husband in middle school and stays with him blissfully through high school, college, and her early twenties to get married at twenty-five or something like that, but alas that's not me.

I, like I think all of my peers, have had quite my share of heartbreak. It never gets easier but it does get more familiar. And while it's anything but a fun feeling it's an experience that helps you get to know yourself on a whole new and important level. Maybe one positive way to think about it (okay, theres's no positive way to think about this but hear me out) is that heartbreak is one of the only times a person might experience the loss of something that she helped build literally from the ground up. You are losing something that you were literally half of, something that you had such vision for, that you were so invested in and really saw going somewhere. This is hard and can really can play with a person's mind and of course emotions. It can wholly overpower and consume you. Despite the fact that all the while you know deep down that it will be okay, somehow, somewhere, someday you will get through it. But until that exact, unpredictable moment your loss is so real, so entrenching that some parts of life -- sometimes all parts -- just seem impossible.

Sounds like fun, right? Nope, it's not. But I do stand by it being an important thing to experience. Yup, a horrible, cruel, important thing to experience multiple times in your life if you're lucky. Oh geeze, I might regret reading this in a day, a week, a month, a couple of years...

5. "It's an open wound. I don't know why [it is] but I do know this: You'd do better to stitch it up and let it heal." 

Mrs. Hughes again, and in the same scene I might add! She was talking to Mr. Carson this time about an old, former friend of his, but for me this is relatable to not just a lost friend, but a lost love, hell, a lost job. I take this to mean in part (and I would do well myself to get better at this!) that wounds happen. And we'd all do well to keep in mind that they heal best when we take action to mend them as best we can then give them time and space to let them heal properly, on their own time. 

I could go on a whole other rant about scars and this and that but I will spare you since I think just saying the word "scar" sends all our minds down the same two paths: first and perhaps most obvious, The Lion King, second and perhaps most relevant, the fact that life's hurts, injustices, and battles whether they result in successes or failures cause bumps, bruising, and scars. Though these hurt, sometimes very profoundly when fresh, they all will heal over time and we will be better people from our experiences.

Lion King reference a bit too deep there? Moving on.

6. "Nothing's as changeable as a young man's heart. Take hope and a warning from that." 

Since I'm a bit on this rant about love-lost I'll stick with it. Sorry for any exboyfriends who actively read or have stumbled upon my blog. This topic is a risk I think you knowingly accepted (note: that is said with kindness, you're welcome to my musings!)

Anyhoo, I also love a good Mrs. Patmore quote. In part because I hear her voice yelling at Daisy in my head. Also because under her thick-accent, beyond her at one point nearly lost eyesight, and past her attempts to cling so desperately to the old way of doing things that it's frightening, she does have some gems of thoughts at times.

This one is true as well. I don't think it needs much commentary and most ladybugs my age can all relate. I also think it applies to a young woman's heart too, though women are famous for sticking to their feelings perhaps a bit longer than men. Anyway, things change, people change, feelings change, all in a hodgepodge of directions and for so many reasons. Godspeed to us all on navigating that water!

7. And then there are somethings that are not quotes but moments

No, you're right, that's not a quote from the premiere. But it's one of my favorite parts of the series. That the show captures moments of human vulnerability and decency. From across all facets of life: family, friendship, business, love, hate, jealousy, greed. It includes moments of reflection and wonder, of happiness and sorrow, of knowing love and action and sometimes great regret of inaction. And then moments of resolution and letting go and moving on.  

Maybe it's the medicine I'm still on talking (writing), maybe it's the cold air that's stretching all the way to me here in Georgia but oh Downton Abby, I'm so glad to have you back! Your melodrama trumps that of my life, sets me in my place, and inspires me to write in prose too formal for my lack of formal writing/grammar training. 

Roommates or living alone: what's the better situation when you're sick?

I know I posted about being rested and rejuvenated at work and all that after the holidays on Saturday, but I have to admit, that may have been a bit of a premature post. Don't get my wrong, it wasn't a lie, I definitely am reinvigorated but see I technically wrote that on Thursday and simply scheduled the post for Saturday (blogger has a wonderful feature that let's you schedule posts). Then Thursday evening, promptly after putting my PJs on after getting home from watching the Bama/Oklahoma game I started to feel awful. I mean awful.

That feeling just got worse and worse and this past weekend I was really sick. Not a stomach bug (thankfully) and it ended up not being the flu (thankfully again) but this was the first time in ages that I've felt this horrible for this long. I had a wicked sinus infection last summer and have had colds and bugs over the past few years but this really has been terrible, each day I've gotten worse and worse until, well, I've finally started to feel a bit better today after starting some medicine.

In between epic naps I've had some time over the past few days to ponder some things. Along with self-pity I got to thinking about whether it's better to be sick while living by yourself or with roommates. Being the first time that I've lived alone and therefore that I've been sick alone this came to mind. Of course being around your mother to have her take care of you is the ideal situation but when that's not possible I wondered: Is it better or worse to have roommates around while you're feeling terrible or not?

Here's what I've decided and how I've gotten here by thinking about a few key areas...
 

Space and being able to sprawl out: The clear winner here is living alone. You don't have to worry about a roommate wanting to watch her show on TV or wanting to have friends over or anyone really being around you. While I have no problem laying in my bed for hours -- sick or not -- watching TV, snoozing, reading, whatever, for some reason when that's what I have to do to accommodate a roommate it's misery. I want to be able to be queen of the apartment. Take my medicine when and wherever I want. Spill soup on my sweatshirt in the kitchen and take it off right there (only happened twice this weekend). Leave about fifteen used mugs on the counter for a few days then fill an entire shelf of my dishwasher with mugs (happened once this weekend, I really love mugs, btw). Anyway, you get my point.

When I'm ill I just want my space, but this really goes both ways. It's in no way fun to have a really sick roommate. Maybe you have to cancel the dinner or wine night you were planning on hosting or maybe you just get (understandably) sick of hearing a hacking cough or any other noises associated with sickness that are audible within quarters.

Feeling helpless and lonely and miserable: This one has a caveat, having roommates wins IF this/these roommates help do things for you. I've had some roommates that if asked I would have driven her to the doctor or to the store or go pick up meds or fill a prescription for her in a heartbeat; I'd be out the door so fast she'd have to give me instructions over the phone. And it was mutual. I've also had roommates that despite feeling near death (yup, that's dramatic) neither one of us really even batted an eye. No harm no foul, since I think it's common to be on both sides of this spectrum and of course if someone was/is truly in need I think any person would help a roommate/friend/neighbor out. Still, whether it better to have a roommate or not in this situation is based on how close you might be with a rooms and what your social contract with each other might be.

Wanting to wallow/be alone: Living solo is the east winner when you want to wallow in self-pity and be alone. Especially if your roommate was to get sick at the same time, now you're not the sick one you're just part of a sick duo or trio (anymore that three sick-os in one apartment just sounds too miserable to acknowledge).

Okay, so this is a little clearer than I expected. For me despite the loneliness, despite wanting someone to be around and take the place of your mom for a while, it's better to live alone when you're under the weather than to have a roommate. Just maybe be sure to line up some good friends to bring you meds and mags or maybe have your boyfriend/girlfriend on hand for massages and to deliver you soup for the price of air kisses.

Now if you'll excuse me it's getting late and I have a bath to draw and some meds to take that will make me sufficiently drowsy to overpower the fact that I took a 5+ hour nap this afternoon...

the importance of rest

This past fall I feel like I've been going non-stop. This holiday season, while crazy busy, has been the first time I've really had some time off (from work that is). I actually didn't take any time off but I worked remotely and many of my days were very, very light and of course I had Christmas and New Years Day off. 

I came back to my office, after an exhausting New Years Day spent traveling, and I experienced something amazing. I think I may have been one of the only people in the Atlanta metro area, or maybe all of the United States, or at the very least out of all my Snap Chat friends, who was happy to be back in the office. 

Initially I thought I was happy to be back in a routine. But around 3:30 I realized, it was really more that for the first time in a while, despite my exhaustion from my travels I felt rested, I was re-energized, I was ready to start 2014 and move the needle (sorry, I usually hate business idioms) for my company. The time away from my desk was earned and needed, and helped motivate me to get back into the grind.

Companies know the value of giving time off. There's a reason beyond legality that PTO exists. We as humans need it to function at our best.

Last night, and all day today, and all day tomorrow I plan to do nothing. I figure I'll catch up on the physical rest I missed out on and my body's been craving to help reinvigorate me professionally and personally to take on this month and year!

the obligatory New Year’s Day post

Since today is New Years Day I think a post is also obligatory. I also have decided that today will be the day I woman up and share my blog to all my closest and not-so-closest friends on the good ole FB so I figure I should have something new and juicy for reading.

Like many I have spent much of the day reflecting on the past year and thinking about the year -- actually since I dream big, years -- ahead. 

Yesterday I wrote about some ways to nail New Years Eve and ring in 2014 in [your own] style. It included a mention of being authentic to yourself, not drinking and driving, and my plan to beat a piñata with "2013" written on it. You can read the whole thing here.

I also mentioned my intention to share later on some of the ways I'd like to make progress this year but didn't really get into any of them. Well, it's 2014 and carpe diem, I’m going to share my first one.

Número uno area/topic/thing I'd like to make progress on in 2014: Accepting things and people as they are.

This is a common one and also one I may come back to in the future because it has so many parts to it and so many applications. But I wanted to write about it today after something I noticed while sitting in the airport waiting to fly back to Atlanta. 

Early this afternoon while enjoying my travel snack of choice (Haribo Gold Bears) at my gate, I watched as literally every flight in the culdesac of Terminal C at Ronald Regan National Airport (yes C is the "other" terminal in DCA) was delayed. It was like the look of disappointment and annoyance was contagious and working its way around the terminal. 

Then something surprising happened. No one, myself included, really got up in arms. No one actually seemed all that upset. Granted my flight was only delayed about an hour and I don't know how the other delays panned out, but I was surprised, impressed really, by how even-keeled all the travelers were.

Maybe everyone was still in good spirits from the holidays, or perhaps more likely everyone was too exhausted from New Years Eve, or even perhaps most likely everyone was too hungover to care. But this ability to accept that this was just the reality of all of our days was impressive. If we all could channel this calm demeanor, these polite reactions, this general approach to other setbacks in our lives I think we'd all be a lot better off.

It's not that I think we should always accept bad things or say "it is what it is." I actually think that saying is a bit of a cop out. I simply think that identifying and accepting what we cannot control, reacting rationally, and moving on is a powerful thing to be able to do.

Yes I know that this was a minor delay and I understand that many setbacks in life are much more significant: not getting the job, not getting the promotion, grieving a death, not getting the guy or the girl. But to push ourselves to not get bogged down with pain, humiliation, grief, sadness, or regret but instead accept things the way they are with grace and integrity is a very admirable and achievable skill. 

Like my good friends "They" always say, you can't always control what happens in life but you can control your reaction. Keeping this in mind will help us all this year even if this  isn't something you're specifically hoping to achieve.

Oh and finally, as promised, here's a picture of yours truly from last night. I've chosen one with my favorite party treat, a piñata.

Best idea I might have had all year!