been there, done that: not saying sorry

I did something this morning that drives me bonkers when I do it. I was walking out of the kitchen in my office and opened a door as someone was walking in. As I passed him I said quietly but still audible, "sorry."

I do this a fair amount and it infuriates me. Why am I apologizing? For being in the way?This is my office too. In fact I've worked at my company longer than he has. Though it's not like he was mad or disrupted or looking for anything really. He basically ignored my words and we went on about our business. Though I worry that overtime apologizing for nothing like this builds up and can eat away at the strong, successful person I am building in myself.

The appropriate expression would have be, "excuse me" or "pardon me" since other than the coincidence that we happened to be using the same doorway at the same time there's nothing to even acknowledge here and there's most certainly nothing to be sorry about. Each time I do this it's like I'm taking away something from myself for absolutely no reason.

An English teacher of mine in grade school hated when anyone did this. She commented on it whenever a student would offer this sort of false apology. I did it a lot and she would get on me for it all the time. I remember one day when she got particular passionate about me saying "sorry" during class which startled me. She pulled me aside afterwards to assure me that she wasn't mad at me or upset with me but that she didn't like to see me undermine myself. She told me that if I kept doing this throughout my life I would be releasing power to others and ultimately selling myself short. Looking back on this moment it was one of the first times in my life when someone told me to realize my own worth. Her message was to be aware of and harness my own strength, to do something with it, and never, ever give away that power.

I couldn't agree with this sentiment more.

Still I continue to do this. I don't know why. I used to think the more appropriate phrases "pardon me" or "excuse me" sounded too formal. But that's silly. And even if it were true wouldn't it be better to be more formal than to use words that undermine you?

This week's been there, done that has perhaps a more negative tone than others since it's something that I do that I find flawed. It's about an ongoing mistake I've been making but one that I'm done with. So perhaps the positioning needs to change. This week I'll think of it as been there, done with that.

What to do on your last day: been there, done that

Today's Been There, Done That will focus on something relevant to all of us at some point in our careers: What to do on your last day at a company.

First, a brief aside: Yes, my intention is to post these on Thursdays. Yes, it's Friday. This week has escaped me a bit.

I had planned much of my last day at my former job. And while there was a lot that I was prepared for, there was a lot that I wasn't prepared for. With that, here are a few things to consider on your last day:

The farewell email
We've all received them: The obligatory email alerting some, reminding others, that this is your last day. The good ones are relatively short, informative, and have a bit of humor. Your personal situation will really dictate what is best to include but generally speaking I recommend including a quick bit about your gratitude for your time at your soon-to-be former company, a little bit about where you're going (why is usually not unnecessary), and whatever methods of communication you want to share. Again, up to you what exactly you include and who receives yours but definitely write one.

Plan things out
I mean this in the general sense. You have 8 hours (likely less) your last, official day. Plan and use this time wisely. For example, send your farewell email out a few hours before you actually depart so you have time to socialize and respond to replies (more on this below). Also your farewell lunch doesn't have to be your last day, in fact you might want to do it on a different day so it can be leisurely.

Send some personal notes to people of note
Did Dan really have an impact on you your first few months or year at your company? Was Julie instrumental in helping connect you with friends in a new city? Send these people a personal quick note. Hand-written cards are really a nice touch but sometimes an email has to do, this is fine.

Be prepared for some chit-chat
Maybe this is a no brainier but I did not expect so many people (really anyone at all) to reply to my farewell email. I mentioned the importance of timing earlier, well I didn't leave my office on my last day until after 5pm. No, I'm not complaining; yes, this was my choice/my own fault. I could have planned this out better.

Another thing this has taught me: I now reply to the goodbye emails of others. Again, this might be obvious but like all of us, I have been on the receiving end of countless of these emails that I wanted to respond to, but never did. Never again.

Bring your makeup bag + deodorant (or whatever)
Being totally serious here. I didn't do this and I really regret it. The afternoon of my last day at my former company got away from me and I stuck around the office much longer than anticipated on a hot July day. It's always good to put your best foot forward and if I'm being honest I would have liked my former coworkers to have had a last memory of me with brushed, non-flat hair, and not totally worn-off make-up.

This might not be totally relevant for you guys but take it as you will.

Be gracious
You're leaving on your own accord hopefully to greener pastures. You're also likely dumping work onto someone else. Be aware of the fact that while you're getting out and moving on, others are not.

In the same breath, you're about to leave... Relax & enjoy
Soak up these last moments of this portion of your career. Be sure to make your usual coffee run with your coworker, participate in the office chit-chat one last time. Even if it hasn't been the best role of experience of your life it's molded and impacted you and you're never going to have this same ever again.

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What are your tips or strategies to leave with a bang or at least on a good note?

 

Not Stopping at Ninety: A Special Thursday Edition

"It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change." - Charles Darwin

I'll take a break from my planned Thursday blog post approach of Been There, Done That for a special homage to my Grandmother. Or perhaps we can consider since this is about her it's the ultimate Been There, Done That. 

Yesterday was my Grandmother's 90th birthday. Tomorrow I'm flying out to Arizona to celebrate with her and our family. To say I'm excited is an understatement.

See my grandmother, Martha, is one of the best, coolest, sassiest, and most spirited people I know. She has more spunk than some people I know my own age. Those who know her could share funny anecdote after anecdote, like the time she waltzed into a wedding rehearsal at the chapel on grounds at UVA because she wanted to see the inside of the building; my mom, friends and I waited for her outside mortified only to watch her walk out of the chapel less than five minutes later arm in arm with her new best bud, the bride. That's Martha. Lighthearted, fun, spirited, fearless, and up for anything. 

I am over the moon that we get to share this with her and celebrate her life.

Earlier this week I got to thinking about what happens over the course of ninety years and the above quote by one of the biggest fans of change and adaptation, Charles Darwin.

Lil' Martha was born in 1923. When she was born the world was still trying to catch its breath from World War I and the catastrophic causalities from influenza just years before.  In 1923 the first portable radio was available was made available but the now famous Hollywood sign in California, and all it stands for, had yet to be erected.

She was born the same year that residential refrigerators were first made available though it would be years before a typical family had one of these considering the economic state of the country in 1923. Now a basic dorm room isn't considered complete without one.

She's lived under 16 different US presidents, through all 94 Academy Award Shows -- with the option to watch the 60th one on broadcast this Sunday -- and every spacecraft launch. She's been told of both the "benefits" of tobacco and within the same half a century its life threatening side effects. She could have had a bob, an afro, used pin curls, straightened her hair with an actual iron, had a perm, colored her hair purple, and jumped between the Rachel and a Kate Gosselin inspired haircut all within her ninety years.

From the significant to the arguably unimportant she's been exposed to, enjoyed, dealt with, and battled a lot over the course of her ninety years. It's amazing to think about and really helpful to put -- and keep -- things in perspective.

It's so easy to become overwhelmed with any sort of change; at times truly embracing it and the bumps and bends of life can really be a struggle. But as Char-Dar tells us so astutely and as Martha reminds us with her spunk, her sass, her strength, and her stamina, those who can manage it and flex with it end up the most successful in dealing with it.

Happy Birthday Grammy!!! Now a little picture of me and my girl...

Me and Martha on a cruise around Lake Winnipesaukee in her hometown, Wolfeboro, NH 

Been There Done That: Saying NO

Inspired by a Town Hall my company recently had and a conversation I had with a former colleague this week, this Thursday's Been There, Done That post is about saying no.

This is an important life skill in the sense that we need to know how to set boundaries across many facets of our lives (to needy friends, to dates you simply don't want to go on, to trips we cannot afford or maybe simply don't want to take) but this post will focus on saying no in a professional situation, specifically saying no to a new professional opportunity.

Now there are many different ways for a new opportunity to present itself. I won't even to attempt to exhaust this list since I'm sure it's impossible. But I do offer thoughts on a few that I've either personally been faced with or know others who have (again, I'm not going to tell you!) and thoughts on why and how people have said no, as well as how to make this assessment.  

Of course there are instances when you want to and should say yes (you could determine a lot of these by the below list as well!) And of course there are instances when you don't have the luxury to say no. There are also times when your no might be to a request rather than to an opportunity. These topics are all begging for future posts (spoiler!) but for now we'll focus on some ways to assess whether a no is right for a situation and how to deliver it.

Saying No to a New Professional Opportunity: Been There, Done That

Timing

Like my old friends they say, timing is everything. And sometimes the timing is just off. Maybe you or your spouse are planning to have a child, you're buying a house and this will complicate things, you just took a new role and you want to stick it out for at least a year.

No answer is wrong, if the timing just doesn't seem to fit don't force it. Maybe this opportunity will come back, maybe it won't; if it doesn't something else -- maybe better and better timed -- will come along.

Does it make sense?

In a similar way it needs to make sense to you. At the end of the day the choice is yours and only you know if it makes sense for you. This might be the "perfect" move for your career based on what your manager, mentor, executive, mother, former coworker, peer who envies you, peer who admires you thinks. At the end of the day you know what your end goals are (personal and professional, short-term, long-term, and super long-term).  

I have a friend, we'll call him Andrew, who decided not take an opportunity within a team he was on. This was really confusing to one of his peers. His peer would speak openly about the opportunity Andrew missed. Thing is just a few years later Andrew made a different jump that was even more beneficial. This jump that Andrew ended up making paid off even more, was aligned with what he wanted longer term, and the extra time Andrew spent in his initial role helped him make the move. Booyah. Yup, I just said booyah.

Business Health

Be sure any opportunity is aligned with where the business is going or will yield benefit to the company you're at or considering. If it doesn't or it feels too risky say no. How do you measure this? Read. Talk with coworkers or industry experts. Don't have any idea where to start or access to an expert? Google is your friend, my friend. Start with a broad search then use what you do know to hone in on trends or industry experts. Then search for key people or businesses on twitter and read their feeds or blogs.

Sure it's great to get in on something when it's being built up but consider its scalability and likelihood of success. Unless you're living off an inheritance you need to keep at least some Ramen on the table. Say no when it seems off.

Organization Dynamics

Biz health is very real, but so is organizational health. This can mean company, department, team, whatever. Whether you're considering staying on a team, joining a new company, working for a certain manager, don't discount dynamics. Hear that one manager doesn't give credit? A peer gossips or throws people under the bus? Perhaps there's been a lot of instability in one department. Again, if it seems off this might be your sign to say no.  

Gut Feeling

You can tap every resource you have, read every blog (yay!), follow every industry expert on twitter, and ask your most business savvy uncle with an Ivy League degree, but at the end of the day the choice is yours. So how do you know? Trust your gut.

How to Say No

You're not turning down Johnny for a date, but be just as tactful. Why does this matter? Well I'm personally a big believer in always presenting yourself in the best light and never burning bridges, so being thoughtful and having tact is key.

Final Thoughts and No, Don't Keep Reading if You Don't Want To :)

Sometimes you want a change, sometimes you don't. You know you best. Only accept what makes sense, works for, and feels good and right to you.

Been There, Done That: The Inaugural Post

Remember that section of Cosmo called, "Hey, it’s OK” that laundry listed off weird things that are totally normal and fine to do? So maybe that still exists, I don’t read Cosmo anymore (okay I never really did) but I have decided to begin my own regular list of things that are okay.

Expect these to be a little more professionally geared than Cosmo’s (though I’m not hating) but just as honest. Since at the end of the day we often simply want to know that we’re not alone in our quirkiness and confusion. 

Some notes/guidelines for these reoccurring posts that I plan to do 1x a week (are we liking Thursdays?):

• These will not all be things that I myself have done but will be things that I know to have happened by an immediate contact. Think this will help create some anonymity as well as creditability. 
• I am toying with what I should call this and have no idea what graphic I will employ so creative readers/friends feel free to contact me with suggestions on either of these areas!

For now we’ll go with, Been There, Done That.

Been There, Done That: Date a person from your office

So I’ll actually start by being totally honest with this one and say that I have done this; sort of. I’ve dated a guy in a totally different department (I think even different line of business?) at the same company as me. This was sticky at times, mostly after we ended things, but still loads better than dating someone in your same department, team, or anything else close to your day-to-day work life if things go sour. 

I have had/have loads of friends and colleagues who have or still are dating people who they interact with at work. So what’s the verdict? Well, sometimes it’s no risk, no reward but in my personal POV you should really think through this situation. Statistically there is a very high chance that things get awkward and from my experience as well as that of others I’m close with, the relationship is often not worth the awkwardness. 

Would I ever do it again? Never say never, but if I can avoid it I certainly plan to.

Don’t believe me? Well, you should because I’ve been there, done that.